Sometimes All You Need Is…

I never schedule my haircuts. I simply wake up one morning and NEED my hair cut immediately. Sometimes all you need is a haircut.

With life, immense amounts of change, and general ungroundedness on the bound, I started compiling a list of the smallest things that can sometimes change your entire day/week for the better. Here’s what I have so far, please feel free to add more via comments:

Sometimes all you need is:

• a really, really hot shower
• a really, really short haircut 
• a diet coke
• a perfectly relevant song
• yoga
• pictures of babies/kittens/puppies
• 4 hours locked in your room watching episode after episode of whatever on Netflix
• a bubble bath with extra bubbles
• an orgasm (or two)
• an hour of Youtube video indulgence
• an epic grocery shopping trip
• an epic online shopping trip
• time to clean out your closet, car, inbox, or desktop
• a facial
• a massage
• a paycheck
• a joint
• a buffet
• a movie theater trip with large, buttered popcorn
• a roller coaster ride
• an afternoon nap that actually leaves you refreshed
• a trip to the dollar store
• facebook
• time to watch “reality” tv without anyone judging you
• time to write a delicious new blog post

That moment when you realize you and your friends used to have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)- Winona Ryder in Girl Interrupted

You know that moment when you discover you, and probably at least a few of your friends, used to have, or still have, BPD? My moment happened to be on the radio. I’m the wingman on a monthly morning show called Happe Talk on KJFK in Reno. The special guest for the hour on this last show was Dr. Ed Lynn, Psychiatrist. In the beginning of this episode, host Michele Happe and Ed listed the 9 symptoms of BPD, and my mind was going: Check, check, check. I wasn’t sure whether it was more shocking to realize that, in the past (ages 12-23), I exhibited 5 out of 9 of those symptoms (the number that officially diagnosis someone with BPD), or the fact that I have frequently put up with friends that exhibited all 10. (I think when we see a piece of ourself in another, it’s harder to let go.)

If you’ve never heard of BPD before, or read the symptoms, you may feel relieved just by knowing that you’re not crazy (for having it, or for putting up with people who do.) If you realize that a close friend may have BPD, be cautious in sharing this news with them, because, as I mentioned above, it’s going to be in the nature of anyone who has BPD to FREAK OUT at the mere mention that they may need to seek help. Think about it, if there were ever a disease to be offended by, it’d be BPD.

I have WHAT?? F**k you. YOU have Borderline Personality Disorder. Jackass.

Often, they will claim that they are smarter than professional counselors and doctors, and/or that anyone who seeks any form of counseling is weak.  The best thing you can do is draw clear boundaries, be open and honest about what you think of their behavior, and ignore their attention-seeking behavior like you would a child; generally, they will either change for the better, or, find other people who want to play their game.

If you are the one exhibiting 5 or more symptoms, find help, either through a friend, counselor, church, or spiritual practice. Become mindful of your behavior, (Why did I just lie? Am I trying to make this situation worse? Why would I do that? Do I do that often?) BUT, don’t make a big deal out of how messed up and tortured you are–just become conscious of your thoughts and behaviors. Humility and self-awareness are key. Change like this can take place in a quantum moment when you realize how powerful you are; you were powerful enough to create these intricate dramas, and now you’re powerful enough to surrender.

Namaste,

The Jester

Here are the 9 Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. (To be diagnosed with BPD, a person must experience at least 5 of the 9 symptoms listed):

Abandonment Sensitivity

• Frequently fearing being left or abandoned by loved ones or friends
• Often imagining or believing that others are leaving, even when they are not
• Attempts to avoid abandonment (for example, physically clinging to others when they attempt to leave)

Unstable Relationships

• Having intense relationships with lots of conflict, and/or breakups
• Having frequent arguments with friends and loved ones
• Experiencing ups and downs in relationships (for example, going from feeling as if you really need someone to feeling as if you need to get far away from him or her)
• Often feeling disappointment in or even hatred toward loved ones

Identity Disturbance

• Experiencing frequent changes in sense of self-worth (for example, one moment feeling okay about yourself and then next feeling that you are a bad person)
• Feeling unsure about identity (for example, feeling like you don’t know who you really are as a person, or what you believe in)
• Feeling nonexistent

Impulsivity

• Engaging in impulsive behaviors, such as going on spending sprees, having promiscuous sex, driving recklessly, abusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, or breaking the law

Suicidal Behaviors or Self-Harm

• Making suicide attempts or gestures
• Threatening to commit suicide to communicate emotional pain or to see if others care
• Engaging in acts of self-harm without intending to commit suicide (for example, cutting or burning yourself)

Emotional Instability

• Experiencing intense negative feelings in reaction to day-to-day situations
• Feeling intense sadness, irritability, or anger that may last for hours
• Having frequent and intense mood changes (for example, going from feeling okay to feeling totally despairing in a matter of minutes or hours)

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

• Often feeling empty
• Feeling no emotions or feeling as if there is nothing inside

Inappropriate Anger

• Feeling intense anger that is stronger than the situation warrants
• Having difficulty controlling anger (for example, often yelling at others, being sarcastic, breaking things, or getting into physical fights)

Stress-induced Paranoia or Dissociation

Having some or all of the following experiences in response to stress:

• Feeling that others are picking on you or are trying to cause you harm
• Having a feeling that people or things are “unreal” or experiencing episodes of feeling “zoned out” or “numb”
• Feeling emotionally dead inside

Obsessed with Transformation

Why are we so obsessed with transformation? We love shows like Biggest Loser, MTV’s Made, Extreme Home Makeover, Hoarders, and my most recent obsession, A&E’s “Heavy”. All of these shows are about someone’s quest for personal transformation. In America most of these shows have to do with weight loss, but shows like “Made” and Extreme Home Makeover are about transformation in general. What is it we are seeking? Do we just simply love an inspirational true story? Or is there something deeper inside of us all the resonates with the idea of transformation itself?

I realized over the weekend, while at a Seminars That Inspire workshop with transformational master Dale Halaway, that theatrical improv is nothing other than transformation. Throughout any given improv scene the characters, story lines, plot, and setting can transform in nothing shorter than a mere moment. By adhering to the one main rule of improvisation, which is to never say “no”, the seen naturally transforms and humor ensues without effort.

Dale once commented that “when the learning process stops the aging process beings.” Is it possible that the elixir to life is to never stop learning, and therefore never stop transforming?

When in comes to personal transformation, and I’m talking the real deal here meaning the transformation of one’s MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT-I realized that there are 3 types of people in this world: The people who live their life completely unconsciously, with no desire to look within and heal the uglier aspects of themselves in order to transform; The people who are actively curious about transformation but are doing just the bare minimum they need to do in order to change–they may keep up appearances of healing but are unconsciously sabotaging the healing process by not going deeper to examine their real behavior (most people don’t make it beyond this stage simply because ego can get really tricky here and make you believe that you are growing when you’re not)–I know this stage quite well, we used to be really good friends; and lastly, the people who examine the darkest pieces of themselves on a daily basis, and work through the really hard stuff with gentleness and humility in order to heal, heal, heal…transform, transform, transform.

Which person are you? Would you friends agree?

Comments welcomed.

With Love, Light, and mucho Thoughtfulness,

The Jester

Yoga Union

I’ve known on an intellectual level that yoga, which means “union”, is supposed to be an opportunity for your body to become empty so that it can unite earth energy with the heavens, and divine energy with the earth. But it wasn’t until lately, and I’m assuming because of the healer/energy worker classes I’ve been taking, that I was finally able to see and feel that this is what is truly happening during yoga, with the proper intention of course.

It’s delicious. I highly recommend it.

“Realists” are full of sh-……

AKA: No one can kill my buzz but me!

Have you ever met somebody so good at arguing, so good at proving their point, that they actually missed the real point? 

When people are offended by my perpetual optimism, they usually say something like: ”I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a realist.”  It makes me sad to know these folks live in a world where the two terms are related by nature.

“Realists”, philosophers, lawyers, etc., pride themselves in their ability to argue anything. They’re the people starting Facebook newsfeed drama

, or the friends you try to avoid having intelligent conversation with because you know they’re going to play devil’s advocate; they don’t even deny that fact; they think they’re charming and witty, but mostly they’re just left-brained and proud of it.

I can, and have been, one of these people. But I’m also extremely right-brained: spiritual, creative, intuitive and holistic. Because I’m totally bi-brained (ha!), I of course have the ability to identify these people, for they represent a very real part of me.

I get it– we left-brainers assume we’re so evolved (a judgement which is grounded in our biased definition of what it is to be evolved in the first place). We have the ability to justify and “rationalize” pretty much everything to our own standards. We are constantly justifying things, to other people, and especially to ourselves.

What I don’t understand, then, is why these supposed “almighty thinkers” love being pessimistic. If we have the ability to rationalize almost anything, and pride ourselves on it, why aren’t more of us choosing to see the lightness in things? Why aren’t we fighting for optimism? As many greats have said, why you gotta be such a buzz kill?

As much as professional pessimists, disguised as “realists”, tend to annoy, I have learned a most important lesson: no one can kill my buzz but me. It’s up to me what I let into my space. And if “realists” want to spend their “rational” energy proving to other people how smart they are, while getting off on killing the buzz in a room, that’s cool; I wouldn’t be a true optimist if I didn’t see the humor and light of such silliness.

,

The Jester

New Years Resolutions: The One-Month Checkup

Well, it’s February 7th already…and as I was scanning my TO-DOs in my dollar store pocket calendar, I came across the New Year’s Resolutions I wrote on New Year’s Eve. I guess now is a good time to checkup and checkin to see how I’m REALLY doing.

1) This one was pretty easy…I just had to decide to stop being a dick and get over it…yes my man purposely takes side streets in order to “avoid the machine”, and generally forgets where we’re going once we’re in the car, but at least he drives when I don’t want to.

2) Well, even though I stopped nagging Joe about his driving, our car broke down 3 weeks ago and I haven’t fixed it yet, so needless to say I’ve been biking a lot; praise the Lord for this BEAUTIFUL 60 degree weather we’ve been having. Yay for biking in January.

3) I’ve finished 1 book and I’m in the middle of another. But if I’m being honest, I could be reading more.

4) Meh. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m eating healthier things more consistently, but I haven’t stopped eating bad things. One step at a time.

5) Will Work For Money.

6) Closer.

7) Soon.

8.) Not even close; I need a more disciplined yoga habit.

9) Getting better everyday, especially today.

10). WOW. I went from 1100+ unread messages to 500+….it’s a start. I also started “unsubscribing” every time some junk crap I signed up for comes in. I don’t need my horoscope mailed to me…I can go look it up if I really want to know, so get out of my inbox.

Eat, Poop, Pray

No, it’s not the sequel to Elizabeth’s Gilbert’s book. It’s the subtitle to my new book: “What Love Is”.

Earlier today while I was slightly meditating on my couch, eating handfuls of Apple Jacks, I overheard my partner in our bedroom; he was praying quietly. He had just received the Helping Angels from our friend, and was welcoming them and the experience into his life. My heart hurt from loving him so much in that moment. What a pumpkin.

I definitely believe that Love, like God, can only be truly understood through feeling, not through thought. (So, does this mean that believing God exists is not technically rational because it’s not known through the mind? OR, do we just need to redefine our understanding of what it is to be “rational”?)

In any case, I will never need to prove my love for my partner to anyone else , or even to myself, because I can feel it; I know it’s there. But just for fun, I made a list of how I would prove it, if I ever had to. I call it: Eat, Poop, Pray.

These are all things I haven’t always been able to do with my history of romantic lovers. Like most insecure young women, there was indeed a time when the possibility of eating in front of a cute boy was just not doable. The fear was so great that it effectively subdued my appetite, so it wasn’t even that difficult not to eat anyway. Man, I used to love those “I Have A New Crush” diets.

However, longer relationships by necessity force you to get over yourself and fucking eat.  Eating together can even be really sexy and romantic sometimes. Pooping, on the other hand, is not.  I would argue that a lot couples never make it to this stage; and they would probably argue they don’t even want to go to this stage anyway. But being able to poop in front of someone is physical intimacy at its most ancient stage in evolution. As a wise man once said, Be not ashamed of your stink.

It took years before I was ever even comfortable enough with myself and with a partner to get to those first two stages. Now I’ve learned that there’s a new level of intimacy reached when you have a partner with whom you can pray in front of. Until now I have never let a partner see me pray before. Sometimes Joe and I even pray together; usually he just listens and allows me to guide our meditations. Eating, Pooping, and Praying are extremely vulnerable states to be in, and if you have someone in your life who loves all those parts of you, then I’d definitely say you know what love is, too.