That moment when you realize you and your friends used to have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)- Winona Ryder in Girl Interrupted

You know that moment when you discover you, and probably at least a few of your friends, used to have, or still have, BPD? My moment happened to be on the radio. I’m the wingman on a monthly morning show called Happe Talk on KJFK in Reno. The special guest for the hour on this last show was Dr. Ed Lynn, Psychiatrist. In the beginning of this episode, host Michele Happe and Ed listed the 9 symptoms of BPD, and my mind was going: Check, check, check. I wasn’t sure whether it was more shocking to realize that, in the past (ages 12-23), I exhibited 5 out of 9 of those symptoms (the number that officially diagnosis someone with BPD), or the fact that I have frequently put up with friends that exhibited all 10. (I think when we see a piece of ourself in another, it’s harder to let go.)

If you’ve never heard of BPD before, or read the symptoms, you may feel relieved just by knowing that you’re not crazy (for having it, or for putting up with people who do.) If you realize that a close friend may have BPD, be cautious in sharing this news with them, because, as I mentioned above, it’s going to be in the nature of anyone who has BPD to FREAK OUT at the mere mention that they may need to seek help. Think about it, if there were ever a disease to be offended by, it’d be BPD.

I have WHAT?? F**k you. YOU have Borderline Personality Disorder. Jackass.

Often, they will claim that they are smarter than professional counselors and doctors, and/or that anyone who seeks any form of counseling is weak.  The best thing you can do is draw clear boundaries, be open and honest about what you think of their behavior, and ignore their attention-seeking behavior like you would a child; generally, they will either change for the better, or, find other people who want to play their game.

If you are the one exhibiting 5 or more symptoms, find help, either through a friend, counselor, church, or spiritual practice. Become mindful of your behavior, (Why did I just lie? Am I trying to make this situation worse? Why would I do that? Do I do that often?) BUT, don’t make a big deal out of how messed up and tortured you are–just become conscious of your thoughts and behaviors. Humility and self-awareness are key. Change like this can take place in a quantum moment when you realize how powerful you are; you were powerful enough to create these intricate dramas, and now you’re powerful enough to surrender.

Namaste,

The Jester

Here are the 9 Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. (To be diagnosed with BPD, a person must experience at least 5 of the 9 symptoms listed):

Abandonment Sensitivity

• Frequently fearing being left or abandoned by loved ones or friends
• Often imagining or believing that others are leaving, even when they are not
• Attempts to avoid abandonment (for example, physically clinging to others when they attempt to leave)

Unstable Relationships

• Having intense relationships with lots of conflict, and/or breakups
• Having frequent arguments with friends and loved ones
• Experiencing ups and downs in relationships (for example, going from feeling as if you really need someone to feeling as if you need to get far away from him or her)
• Often feeling disappointment in or even hatred toward loved ones

Identity Disturbance

• Experiencing frequent changes in sense of self-worth (for example, one moment feeling okay about yourself and then next feeling that you are a bad person)
• Feeling unsure about identity (for example, feeling like you don’t know who you really are as a person, or what you believe in)
• Feeling nonexistent

Impulsivity

• Engaging in impulsive behaviors, such as going on spending sprees, having promiscuous sex, driving recklessly, abusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, or breaking the law

Suicidal Behaviors or Self-Harm

• Making suicide attempts or gestures
• Threatening to commit suicide to communicate emotional pain or to see if others care
• Engaging in acts of self-harm without intending to commit suicide (for example, cutting or burning yourself)

Emotional Instability

• Experiencing intense negative feelings in reaction to day-to-day situations
• Feeling intense sadness, irritability, or anger that may last for hours
• Having frequent and intense mood changes (for example, going from feeling okay to feeling totally despairing in a matter of minutes or hours)

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

• Often feeling empty
• Feeling no emotions or feeling as if there is nothing inside

Inappropriate Anger

• Feeling intense anger that is stronger than the situation warrants
• Having difficulty controlling anger (for example, often yelling at others, being sarcastic, breaking things, or getting into physical fights)

Stress-induced Paranoia or Dissociation

Having some or all of the following experiences in response to stress:

• Feeling that others are picking on you or are trying to cause you harm
• Having a feeling that people or things are “unreal” or experiencing episodes of feeling “zoned out” or “numb”
• Feeling emotionally dead inside

Ball and Socket Joints, Family, and God

If I were on a deserted island and were only allowed to have 3 things with me, one of them would be a chiropractor. I freaking love going to the chiropractor, and I’ve had two of the best in the whole world: Dr. Bleser (Cincinnati, OH), and Dr. Donovan (Reno, NV)–both intensely spiritual men who are as much energy workers as they are doctors.

Some of my biggest problem areas, as my docs have noted, are my shoulder and hip…both of my ball and socket joints– a part of the body that is defined by it’s ability to be free, yet supported. What a beautiful paradox – free and supported.

My family is something that has almost always given me freedom and support (even if in the past sometimes it’s been a battle). I chose this lesson, and so I am grateful that my family has been a part of this lesson.

After reflection, I realize that I am so blessed because I AM free and supported by my Family and the Divine. While not everyone is as lucky to have one of these kinds of families, everyone has the potential to have that kind of relationship with the Universe.

So then maybe my lesson here is awareness and gratitude of how lucky I am, forgive and let go of the past, and strive to be a being who holds space for others to be free, and yet supported by me.

Oh what a wonderful world that would be.

What are your recurring pain areas in your body? What message could they have for you?

With Love, Laughter, and some healthy Reflection,

The Jester

Learning to Live Consciously (do this now)

After Sunday service this morning, I spent a lot of time thinking about some of my deeper personal goals. One of them is to live my life with complete integrity. Integrity to me means living a life where your actions are in complete alignment with your values. The alternative is a life of dissonance where your actions are not in line with your values; so, the choice becomes: change your actions, or change your values.

Living life consciously means that everything you do is based off of your value system, whether you are  a person or an organization. Before making any decision, big or small, one must first reference one’s value system, and only then move forward. Growth is impossible where there is no consistent belief system.

Therefore, if you have never outlined your core values before, STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. Do not more forward with your life until you have done this. Just stop, and take the next few minutes to jot down what you believe your top ten personal values are in this moment (and if “Growth” isn’t one of them, then you’re free to go, it’s only relevant to procede with this exercise if you value growth).

Once you’ve written at least a rough draft of your values, memorize them or carry them around with you. If at some point on your journey of growth, you look down and realize that you no longer feel connected to a value you have held so strongly, THEN CHANGE IT. Your values will probably always be evolving as you evolve, there’s no need to become attached to them, but you will need a navigation system if you want to live your life consciously.

As of this moment, here at mine (Everything after the first two are “in no particular order”):

SpiritualGrowth, Love, Honesty, Openness, Creativity, Integrity,

Adventure, Humility, Self-Reliance, Humor, Faith, Self-Expression, Forgiveness…

Now, when it comes to making decisions in my life, big or small, I can simply refer to value system; should I go down path X? Is that path in alignment with those things outlined above? It’s a simple yes or no, really.

It seems so obvious, right? All of the great leaders out there have not only said the same thing before, but truly live their life that way.

What are your thoughts? Please sharesies by commenting.

With Love, Light and Laughter,

The Jester

Obsessed with Transformation

Why are we so obsessed with transformation? We love shows like Biggest Loser, MTV’s Made, Extreme Home Makeover, Hoarders, and my most recent obsession, A&E’s “Heavy”. All of these shows are about someone’s quest for personal transformation. In America most of these shows have to do with weight loss, but shows like “Made” and Extreme Home Makeover are about transformation in general. What is it we are seeking? Do we just simply love an inspirational true story? Or is there something deeper inside of us all the resonates with the idea of transformation itself?

I realized over the weekend, while at a Seminars That Inspire workshop with transformational master Dale Halaway, that theatrical improv is nothing other than transformation. Throughout any given improv scene the characters, story lines, plot, and setting can transform in nothing shorter than a mere moment. By adhering to the one main rule of improvisation, which is to never say “no”, the seen naturally transforms and humor ensues without effort.

Dale once commented that “when the learning process stops the aging process beings.” Is it possible that the elixir to life is to never stop learning, and therefore never stop transforming?

When in comes to personal transformation, and I’m talking the real deal here meaning the transformation of one’s MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT-I realized that there are 3 types of people in this world: The people who live their life completely unconsciously, with no desire to look within and heal the uglier aspects of themselves in order to transform; The people who are actively curious about transformation but are doing just the bare minimum they need to do in order to change–they may keep up appearances of healing but are unconsciously sabotaging the healing process by not going deeper to examine their real behavior (most people don’t make it beyond this stage simply because ego can get really tricky here and make you believe that you are growing when you’re not)–I know this stage quite well, we used to be really good friends; and lastly, the people who examine the darkest pieces of themselves on a daily basis, and work through the really hard stuff with gentleness and humility in order to heal, heal, heal…transform, transform, transform.

Which person are you? Would you friends agree?

Comments welcomed.

With Love, Light, and mucho Thoughtfulness,

The Jester

Top 5 personal Accomplishments of 2010

While pondering/reflecting on 2011′s early personal accomplishments, I realized I had never even thought about 2010′s year-wide.  So here are my top 5 accomplishments I can even remember for 2010:

1) Producing and starring in my first original musical, with the comedy troupe I created two years ago, and playing to a crowd of 250 people inside the beautiful ballroom of a casino that didn’t shut down a week before opening. All of this was co-created alongside of about 10 of my best friends, who also happen to be 10 of the most talented and creative people I know. No big deal. http://www.utilityplayerscomedy.com all the way

2) The Utility Players being voted Best Comedy Troupe in Reno; as well as 2nd Best Podcast in Reno. (I never thought I would get this into audio production, but I love it, and I rock).

3)  Convincing Best friend, Ariel Lea, to move to Reno, and accomplishing everything we set out to do, including: Write original musical, take Utility Players to the next level, and produce original demo album. Check, check, check.

4) Finishing my second year of classes at Circle’s Edge – Center For Spiritual Living (on my way to being a pracitioner, and eventually Minister). Also being the youngest member elected to the Board.

5) Manifesting the best house ever, and, playing with hundreds of pumpkins on a daily basis

Once Upon A Time (I Surrender)

This is a song I wrote with Ariel Lea. Click here to stream it, or download for free to iTunes. Then just click on “Once Upon A Time” in the podcast channel called Mind Melodies.

Here are the lyrics. Be blessed,

The Jester

Once upon a time

There lived a little girl

Who took a vow of loneliness

And was cast into this world.

 

Silently she prayed

As she walked

Falling into worlds,

Blindly searching for a home

All alone, this little girl.

 

Time continued on

And our girl began to grow,

Still walking, still searcing

For a home she’d never know.

 

The path was long

And she was strong

But her feet began to show

What happens when the search

Begins to wear upon your soles.

 

And as she walked

She prayed now louder than before,

God won’t you please, please lead me home

I can’t search anymore.

 

She heard nothing, not a sound;

The path was getting colder.

While she searched time had passed

And our little girl was not much older.

 

Years had gone, she walked much slower now,

She prayed with just a whisper.

I can’t search any longer;

My feel our done, God,

I surrender.

 

Lyrics by Jessica Levity

Music and voice by Ariel Lea

Automatic Doors

In the game of Life, you will know when you’re in the flow. The high of being in the flow comes immediately after walking through the proverbial open door. You know there’s an open door when an opportunity falls in your lap and it feels intimidating and you don’t want to do it. Your rational mind comes up with a million reasons as to why you’re excused if you don’t do it. But the more resistance and fear you feel toward pursuing something, the more the Universe is truly knocking. Just know that if you take the chance, the rewards will be immediate and recurring. The doors of opportunity in the Universe are not PUSH or PULL doors that you have to awkwardly mismanage every time you try to open one; the doors of the Universe are automatic doors that will open for you the moment you decide to take your first real step toward it.

Then, just enjoy the feeling of pride you have for yourself once you’re through and on the other side. Be in Gratitude, and know that Gratitude is the force that will create the domino effect of more and even more doors opening for you.

Go Forth and Prosper,

The Jester

P.S. I had a really amazing day today. Thank you.

A Lesson in Being Still: Days 3-5 with the Angels

[A few weeks ago I wrote about my initial experience with the Angels of Transformation...I promised I would write about my last few days with them...which I did, and then I "saved to draft". I wasn't ready to publish to the world...and a few weeks later, I am  Enjoy!]

A Lesson in Being Still

Day 3: So much stuff was stirred up on the inside and outside of me on Day 2 that, on Day 3, I felt the intense and immediate need to “do something about it”.  My first reaction is immediately to turn to everyone in my life that I look up to for advice, which, in a world of ministers, practitioners, healers, and just great listeners, is a lot of people. I think another lesson I’m learning is to be able to make decisions for myself and trust myself to do the right thing, which is always my intention. So, after trying to juggle around different things that I felt I needed to “do” to remedy the situation, I decided to take the advice to just be still…let the angels take care of it…remember that I asked for transformation and I need to allow it to happen.

Day 4: The people/situations that felt uncomfortable and were causing a bit of tension in my life appeared to have “changed”. Is it too good to be true? Are the angels doing this? Or is it just that changing my consciousness around these people is starting to have some real effect? In a matter of a few days, these negative people appeared to have magically morphed into somewhat positive and upbeat human beings. They even seemed to be going out of their way to be nice to me.

Day 5: It was a nice thought. But sure enough the positivity didn’t hold and another situation was beginning to stir, and this time it was not something I could just “be still” about. So I had to make a call. It was uncomfortable, but I remembered what the angels were wanting me to be, which was calm and still, and so I very gently “dealt” with the situation. It wasn’t fun, but sure enough, by the end of the conversation, the person very nicely undid what needed to be undone, and then, with grace, removed themselves from our organization with the message that it was time for them to pursue something else; it was, I believe, in the highest good of their personal growth and of the growth of our organization. It was amazing. I was still, and the Universe handled everything else. Breakups don’t have to be ugly, and they certainly don’t have to leave things broken. It was a rough 5 days, but the angels did exactly what I had asked them to do: to raise the vibration of myself and the vibration of the organization which I lead, and although change can be sad sometimes, I do see how, in being still, I allowed my intention to come to fruition.

If anyone out there would like these angels, please let me know. They are currently being passed around my group of friends, and I can make sure they are sent to you. But be prepared: change is a’comin.

“Realists” are full of sh-……

AKA: No one can kill my buzz but me!

Have you ever met somebody so good at arguing, so good at proving their point, that they actually missed the real point? 

When people are offended by my perpetual optimism, they usually say something like: ”I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a realist.”  It makes me sad to know these folks live in a world where the two terms are related by nature.

“Realists”, philosophers, lawyers, etc., pride themselves in their ability to argue anything. They’re the people starting Facebook newsfeed drama

, or the friends you try to avoid having intelligent conversation with because you know they’re going to play devil’s advocate; they don’t even deny that fact; they think they’re charming and witty, but mostly they’re just left-brained and proud of it.

I can, and have been, one of these people. But I’m also extremely right-brained: spiritual, creative, intuitive and holistic. Because I’m totally bi-brained (ha!), I of course have the ability to identify these people, for they represent a very real part of me.

I get it– we left-brainers assume we’re so evolved (a judgement which is grounded in our biased definition of what it is to be evolved in the first place). We have the ability to justify and “rationalize” pretty much everything to our own standards. We are constantly justifying things, to other people, and especially to ourselves.

What I don’t understand, then, is why these supposed “almighty thinkers” love being pessimistic. If we have the ability to rationalize almost anything, and pride ourselves on it, why aren’t more of us choosing to see the lightness in things? Why aren’t we fighting for optimism? As many greats have said, why you gotta be such a buzz kill?

As much as professional pessimists, disguised as “realists”, tend to annoy, I have learned a most important lesson: no one can kill my buzz but me. It’s up to me what I let into my space. And if “realists” want to spend their “rational” energy proving to other people how smart they are, while getting off on killing the buzz in a room, that’s cool; I wouldn’t be a true optimist if I didn’t see the humor and light of such silliness.

,

The Jester

20/40 Vision & The Ability to See Myself

I wanted glasses so badly as a child that I’m almost positive I forced my eyes into going bad. My eyes turned out to be so bad over the years that my vision has been 20/40 at best, even with “corrective lenses”. I can’t explain why I wanted weird things like glasses; I also desperately wanted braces and my period. I was a strange kid.

Two weeks ago I attended a Seminars That Inspire workshop with Dale Halaway, the guy that created Transformational Life Coaching® and the TransCovery Process®. This particular seminar was about recognizing the self-defeating “games” that we play with each other and with ourselves. If we can just see what we’re doing, we can go within and find the needs, the fears, and the negative emotions keeping those behaviors in place. After the 20 hours spent at this seminar, I indeed came home motivated for healing, but it wasn’t until two weeks later I finally saw that the ultimate game I was playing was a game sabotaging the healing process itself. I have not been in integrity, and I had no idea. I was honestly convinced that I was the one healing and everyone else was making it difficult for me. The fact that healing felt difficult and was causing so much tension within my relationships with other people should have been the biggest sign that I was doing something to sabotage myself. (If you let it, healing can be easy.) The game I was playing, which I have decided to name the “One For Me, One For You” game, looked like this: I believed that every time I healed a piece of myself, it was now someone else’s turn, and I became very frustrated, or “triggered”, when someone around me wasn’t showing the same dedication. My ego convinced me that my anger was really because of them. I was standing in an energy of forced healing, but healing takes consent, and therefore, by trying to force others to heal, I was successfully sabotaging my own healing. I told myself that I had reached a plateau in my own healing, but what I wasn’t seeing was myself and the role I was playing.

It was all one big show. I felt like I should have been taking a very humble and very apologetic bow at the end. It was my roommate Chris who, without really knowing the depth of what he was showing me, was finally the mirror that I needed. It’s pretty messed up that I spent more time sabatoging my own healing process than actually healing; I AM a master magician, and I employed a fabulous smoke & mirrors trick to not only convince others that I was healing, but ultimately to convince myself. It’s scary when you finally see something for what it is; but then it’s funny. I even heard a creepy cackeling inside my head when I realized what I had been doing this whole time. Well done, me, well done.

Coincidently, I’m going to get my eyes checked today for the first time in…6 years. I have a feeling that my ability to see has improved, and maybe, for the first time in my entire life, I’ll be able to see with 20/20 vision (with glasses).